Alright, a little back story on why I’m doing this to myself. For those who haven’t read the first review/rant, I decided to take a look into the *world of Wattpad publications*. I’m not particularly fond of them nor will I ever be but generally speaking, these are perceived to be really really bad stories; writing-wise or plot-wise. This video will better explain to you why. I was, however, infinitely curious on whether ALL of them were bad so I decided to give one book a try. You can read the resulting insanity here. Being done with that, I decided not to delve into those publications ever again unless I have been proven that not all of them are horrible (still wouldn’t touch those though).
And here we are again.
This time though, someone thought it was a good idea if I did more reviews of the publications. Since my blog is starving from lack of content, I thought I might as well beef it up a little with my ramblings. So I bought a random book, braced myself for the shit I was about to read, and set out to write this review.
Again, before I go into what I think about the book, some things that I do appreciate about it that made reading it easier. She knows how to write, better even than the previous author I reviewed. I had absolutely no problem with her prose and I will even admit that she used some words I had to use the dictionary with. Also, thankfully the whole thing was in English. So there’s that. I give you +1.
And now, Reality TV in readable form!
The book I bought is called “The Bachelor” by greenwriter (Janelle Ruiz). First off, I don’t get the idea of putting the pen name of the writer AND her real name just below it. Kinda defeats the purpose of a pen name now does it? See, we’re off to a good start.
I appreciate the bookmarks included. I don’t have to taint mine. Kappa.
Synopsis! So the book is about this bachelor named Zach (late 20’s I didn’t really care how old the dood was, don’t even think the book ever mention how old he was) who makes a bet with his friend Liam. The bet is Zach rejects 25 women or he finds his ‘The One.’ Liam wins on the latter condition. What Liam wins from the bet is anyone’s guess. Enter Julianne (25 I think can’t remember), a big shot writer who wants a script writing position for a television network. Jack, big shot director (or was it producer I can’t remember), can give Julianne the position she wants under one condition. She fills in for one of the ladies participating in The Bachelor (yes, the TV show) since one of the contestants suddenly gets engaged to some dude (hooray for her). Julianne doesn’t need to win and she doesn’t intend to since she doesn’t like Zach anyway. Zach of course is confident he’ll be able to easily reject every single one of the twenty-five women in the show. Buuuuut we all know that’s not gonna happen.
Spoiler alert: It doesn’t happen.
Aight, first thing’s first. We don’t have cable installed at home. We have TV but it doesn’t have cable. And it’s great! I’m sure we’re missing out on some things like CNN or BBC news, ESPN (I now appreciate MotoGP), midnight karaoke channels, those indecipherable Mandarin channels, and of course those infomercial channels. But the one reason I discovered why we don’t have cable is because of them insufferable drama and dank reality shows.
What are those you say? Oh you know:
Yeah, so beautiful
Here we have a rare sighting of a faithful husband caught on television
By the sanctity of marriage, you definitely are and should be
I’ve sometimes caught glimpses of these drama shows and honestly, they’re just crying, and shouting, and screaming “He’s mine!” “No, he’s mine!” type of dialogues. It’s tiring and plain stupid.
No, I won’t watch whole episodes just so you can prove a point. Shut up.
Of course, there are also reality TV shows which make no sense like these:
I can’t even diss on this. I got nothing. It’s that inane
Or, the actual show this book is based on:
“I’m gonna dump all of you in the end and I’m gonna be a subtle asshole about it.”
See, the first problem I have with this book is the fact that I’m reading a book version of the very reality TV shows I’m trying to avoid. I mean, I would avoid reading this book but this review/rant would be non-existent if I did. Really, why would I want to read this when I can just watch hour long episodes of the damn show even if I won’t?
Anyway, getting to the gist of my review/rant. The details don’t really matter but basically, Julianne tries to be as detestable as possible to Zach so that she can get off the show and start working the job she wants; as a script writer of reality TV shows. Ironic. She does this by dressing as slovenly as possible, not putting on makeup, being a total bitch, and so on and so forth. Unfortunately for her, everything she does has the opposite effect and Zach takes a liking to her (surprise surprise). From there things go awry as Zach intends to keep Julianne till the end of the show with Julianne kicking and screaming for the majority of the trip.
Right, they all take a plane towards the Astor (that’s Zach’s family name btw) island in the middle of somewhere. Right from the get go, the producers wants to eliminate two of the girls, which kind of defeats the purpose of getting them on the island in the first place. Bye bye, sad face. Naturally, Julianne isn’t eliminated because Zach is a total dickbag and this just tilts the girl to the extreme.
What tilts Julianne even more is the fact that she won’t be able to attend a book-signing event for her best-selling novel since she wasn’t eliminated. Oh yeah, apparently Julianne is this the author of this in-world best-selling novel which doesn’t have a title and has this vague and unnecessary description. Nobody knows who she is since she’s using a pen name and the book-signing event will be the first time fans will be able to see her in the flesh. See, the thing is, a best-selling author like you shouldn’t even be looking for a job, even for experience (which she claims is why she’s gunning for the writer position in the first place and why she agreed to be a contestant in the show – for experience). Heck, her editor and friend Diane (the most sensible one-dimension character in the book) says this herself. Even the director/producer of the in-world ‘The Bachelor’ show, Jack (second most sensible character in the book) thinks so too. If you wanted experience, Julianne could have just toured the inner workings of the television network or asked for a behind-the-scenes pass to the show. Its basically the same thing without the hassle!
So one thing Zach does to appease Julianne is by taking her to New York where the book-signing would be held. Under the guise of getting to spend some time with her alone though. Sneaky weasel and his ulterior motives. To his merit Julianne appreciates the gesture and loosens up a micro bit towards him. Still hates his guts though.
Fast forward to a couple more grills being eliminated and Julianne takes a breather under a coconut tree by the shore because Zach’s been hounding her and shit for the past couple of days. Oh wait, lo and behold, Zach comes along. He then rants about his love for her and shit to which Julianne vehemently rejects. So how else can Zach prove it? How else but by giving a SURPRISE CORKSCREW KISSU!!!
It’s a thing. Look it up pleb.
Yeah, that happens. And Julianne likes it! A tiny bit! Just a little. Because she pushes Zach away and whines like a bitch again. Something along the lines of ‘I hate you,’ ‘Why didn’t you eliminate me’ things like that. She leaves the beach and runs to her room where she lies down, her head a soggy mess. Because that’s what a corkscrew kiss does to you.
The events transpiring afterwards is just Zach persistently trying to prove to Julianne that he indeed loves her and is not some mere infatuation. It kind of boils down to an agreement that Zach would eliminate Julianne after top 4 and they would see how the relationship goes from there.
Seriously, it’s like reading a manga of a bad anime you’ve already watched before. There isn’t much of “seeing it on TV” but is more of a “behind-the-scenes” kind of thing. What the chicks are doing when not on camera, is there any internal strife happening between the contestants, is there any secret rendezvous happening between the bachelor and any of the contestants, that sort of thing.
Right, so slowly, Julianne starts to believe Zach’s feelings towards her through the course of the book. Of course it would happen. Reading the first ten pages and I can see it happening a mile away. With poor eyesight. On a foggy day. In the middle of a snowstorm. Except as with a whole lot of romance stories, there has to be conflict. Something to shake Julianne’s faith in Zach.
There is this scheduled trip to shoot content for the next week’s airing of the show and Zach decides to take the girls to Vegas. Well, three of them anyway. No idea why, don’t really care. The two other girls enjoy their stay being the dumb broads they are except for Julianne, who is drinking alone by the bar. At this point Liam makes a return and introduces himself to the girls. Again part of Zach’s plan to get himself alone with Julianne. It kinda works much to Liam’s suspicion. Liam gets to be the bait while Zach takes a drunken Julianne back to her hotel room. They take the elevator to Julianne’s floor and the hot steamy foreplay begins. I guess Julianne being this (I assume) 25-year old virgin can’t manage to resist Zach’s aggressions for long. They reach her room and there it gets really hot and heavy with Zach fondling her breasts, running his fingers up her nape and all that. Yeah, run it up her nape. I like that shit.
Then Liam be like COCKBLOCK and knocks on the door. Julianne was self-conscious about it but Zach didn’t care at first until Liam knocks again coupled with calling his name.
“Yo dude, you doing 3rd base in there? Well too bad I’m gonna say your name a couple of times to make it awkward.”
Pissed, he answers the door to Liam’s smug face telling him that the other girls were looking or him. Julianne gestures for him to go lest they get suspicious and Zach goes anyway. Again, Julianne’s head is all soggy from what had happened and seemingly can’t sleep without tasting some of that if you catch my drift. Unable to hold herself back, she rushes to Zach’s room and flicks on the light switch only to find a shirtless Zach sitting on the bed with a naked Chloe/Fatima/Pauline I can’t really remember. Cookie cutter blondes by the dime I swear.
Julianne be like
Of course Zach claims he didn’t know Chloe had slipped under the sheets while the lights were out.
And Zach’s mind be like
Julianne would have none of it as she mutters something along the lines of ‘You don’t have to explain’ before running out of the room back to her own room. Naturally, Zach is mad with Chloe and asks her to GTFO of his room. That went really well.
Trust levels plummet.
Next, Zach feels he needs to get off the island and convinces Jack to take them to his ranch somewhere in Kansas maybe. Oh, the book takes place in the United States by the way and in no way did the writer mention where the island was situated at (it’s just in the middle of nowhere I reckon at least two hours away by plane from any coastal state). Neither was the ranch so I’ll just assume it’s in Kansas or maybe Texas because I’m that knowledgeable about the United States. By this time, the girls have been cut down to maybe five or six? I dunno, I stopped counting back in the island. Anyway, so Pauline (one of the contestants) gets to spend time with Zach via riding horses and tells off Julianne in an effort to split the two. Not gonna happen again because plot direction.
So fast forward a few days and Julianne manages to get lost in the woods when she decides to take a stroll to clear her mind. See, I think its Kansas because it’s a ranch and there are woods nearby. Maybe. Bite me. Unfortunately for her, a storm begins to brew and as quickly as she realizes this the rain starts to pour and she finds herself soaked from head to toe. Deus Ex Machina – she finds a cabin! A fully stocked cabin to boot! She goes inside and decides to spend the night there because storms really last for maybe around 12 hours or more statistically. At the same time, Zach discovers Julianne is missing and becomes extremely worried to which he organizes a rescue effort. Knowing the place though he deduces that maybe she stumbled her way towards one of the cabin houses situated strategically in the middle of the woods. Because who gets lost in the woods and magically stumbles upon a stocked log cabin with the door unlocked? Literally every time right? Of course, he gets caught in the rain before he could get to the cabin but it’s all worth it since he finds Julianne there, also soaked. Hot damn, talk about setting it up eh? Like, couldn’t have made it harder for both of them couldn’t you? So they both change into dry clothes and late into the night, they have hot steamy sex. Hot steamy unprotected sex I might add, and that’s important for later on. But at this point in the book, Julianne’s pretty convinced Zach really loves her. I mean, the two of you have had sex already so might as well right?
The next day they leave the cabin and go back to the ranch only to find out Zach’s parents have come to visit; to see how their little impulsive baby is doing. Liam is also there driving the car – to cockblock again I assume but it’s too late for that. The two already did the thing. Bow chika bow wow *wink wink*. Either way, the parent’s visit has been sort of planned but mainly for two things: Mr. Astor wants to make sure Zach doesn’t fuck anything up and ruin the company’s reputation (Yeah, I forgot to mention that the Astors are filthy rich since they own a business empire or something). Mrs. Astor wants to assess the ladies remaining in the competition, to ensure that none of them will make baby Zach cry.
Mr. Astor’s got his end covered, talking with his son about how he shouldn’t fuck up because their name is on the line. Kind of a dick move from Zach joining the show if you ask me. Then again it’s hard being a prince. Mrs. Astor on the other hand decides she wants to take the whole gang on a little side trip, just to take a glimpse on how they carry themselves in an unfamiliar situation. They go to this orphanage called the Angel’s Sanctuary or something that the Astors sponsor or take care of or something I dunno. Julianne starts getting uncomfortable going to the place and here we discover that she was an orphan once.
This little bit of backstory information seems a little out of place. If anything, I feel it was just put there to put some dimension into Julianne’s character. Like, there wasn’t even any suggestion that Julianne’s experience with the orphanage contributes to her hatred towards Zach. Sure she mentions that her father left her there and never came back. Probably she fears the same thing if she commits with Zach. But the whole orphanage shenanigan is filled with holes like Swiss cheese. The only person she’s actually close with and has any semblance of family is Diane. That begs the question of who adopted her. Did she file a discharge form to get out of the orphanage, struggle for a little less than a decade, write her best-selling book, and end up in this farce? It doesn’t really contribute anything to Julianne’s character. It just seems to me she has major daddy issues.
Jesus, there’s just so many boring things happening in the book that I’ll just skip ahead to Julianne being eliminated, which is basically what happens next anyway. Yes, she does get kicked out of the show as per her deal with Zach but at this point, she’s struggling to not breakdown at the thought that she’s going to be separated from Zach until he finishes the show. Hell, I’m pretty excited to end the book too so chop-chop dood, dump all of them and make the happy ever after so we can all move on.
No idea why these books have these ‘Playlists’ at the back
Having been eliminated, Julianne returns to her normal life of living comfortably in the presumed fortune she had acquired from her best-seller all the while waiting for Zach to come busting through her door and sweeping her away into the distance. Not quite what happens but Zach basically dumps the remaining contestants Chloe and Pauline, ending the show (finally!).
Unfortunately for me, the book still isn’t done because Julianne and Zach still have to get together to make the happy ever after. As soon as Zach ends the show, Liam calls to tell him that Mr. Astor is in the hospital. Stroke I think, I don’t fucking know. I was skimming the book at this point. So Zach rushes to the hospital to see his ailing father. Father asks Zach to stop doing the show so he can pass on whatever he can to aid the young Astor into running an empire.
“But dad, I already did end the show.”
“Oh. Okay. So I forced a stroke for nothing. Thanks son.”
Now that Zach gets the whole family affair out of the way, he rushes out of the hospital to go see Julianne immediately. He does though before he can even leave the place. Julianne is there with her contestant friend Kim. Surprise surprise, Zach is surprised. Then and there though he finds out that Julianne is pregnant. That’s what kinda happens when you don’t use protection. So always use protection if you don’t want to knock anybody with your baby or contract sexually transmitted diseases. No, seriously. Stay safe, use protection. Back with the pregnancy issue, Zach is more than willing to father the baby and that takes care of any impending custody issues and whatnot.
The book technically ends there but I had to leaf through an epilogue, eliciting a painful groan in an effort to stave off the urge to knock myself out. I don’t really have anything to say about the epilogue because I didn’t want to know what happened to the two afterwards. Basically though, they have a family now and love each other very much. Yay.
Fuck, that took a while. I feel like this rant went on far longer than I wanted too. Unlike the previous book, I managed to read the whole thing but the downside was it was incredibly boring. At least for me. Look, I don’t watch reality TV shows. It’s sort of an ironic event in itself. Like damn, go out and live out your reality.
Did a little background check on the writer. Apparently, she’s already done 24 of these and is fairly popular on the site. Reviews in-site doesn’t give anything, so greenwriter, if you’re reading this take it with a pinch of salt. This is mostly a rant than a review. Also you’re a more prolific writer than I am so who am I to judge amirite? Ayy lmao.
Aight, I’ve already said what I thought about the book. It’s just the reality TV show condensed into probably two days of reading. Nothing special. I’d give it 5/10 for at least having correct grammar, construction, punctuation, etc. Easier to read too.
I’ve said enough. Should finish this now as I’m beginning to hate doing this review. Also, short story is begging to be finished. Peace out.